Lanthorn.com

Last updated Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at 12:04 PM

In short: Jesus for Dummies

By Greg M. Schumaker GVL Columnist
4/11/2009

A church's sign caught my eye the other day. "Love held Jesus to the cross," it read.

Funny, I thought it was nails.

This twisting of the truth is just stupid. The man had metal stakes driven through his wrists by burly Romans. There was a lot more keeping him to that cross than love.

Hatred, for example. If you want to be crucified, making a bunch of people loathe you would be step No. 1. These haters only really dislike you because so many people love you -- like opponents of marriage equality.

Now, with another Easter behind us, another day off spent working on end of semester projects and eating too much candy, let's take a moment to review some of Jesus Christ's greatest hits. And remember, I'm a staunch atheist.

He once said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Here's looking at you Mormon friends who brought the passage of Prop 8. Can we pass a law to prohibit your ability to mate now?

I like this one: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The next time you call somebody a socialist, think of this one.

Then there's this: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Guess our last president is a saint then, considering the boulders he threw.

For those who support ignorance, Jesus has this to say, "No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light." So all these global warming stories and evolution theories are a good thing? Are you telling me, Mr. Messiah, that it's a person's natural inclination to expose the truth? To think I thought hiding it all under a bowl would be a much more expedient process.

For those who question diplomacy over war, there's this golden nugget: "If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else?" I'm guessing this doesn't exclude the Middle East.

"I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!" he said. Strange that people spent centuries killing each other in his name when they could have saved money praying. I don't really mind if you pray for me. It's the bigoted laws that really grind my gears.

Let's ponder this one: "My Kingdom is not an earthly kingdom. If it were, my followers would fight to keep me from being handed over to the Jewish leaders. But my Kingdom is not of this world." So, heaven's not a place on earth? Belinda Carlisle was lying the whole time!

Lastly, let's leave on this note: "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Go eat some Reese's eggs and chill.

gschumaker@lanthorn.com

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Comments:

13 comments

J : 5/4/2009
Amazing.

For the past few years I have kept up with the Lanthorn and read many of Greg's columns. All I can say is that you will be missed and I hope the Lanthorn is able to find someone of equal talent that can write just as entertaining and interesting articles. Thanks for the great material Mr. Schumaker and keep on doing what you do best. Your talent in writing will take you places. Don't listen to negative people it's not worth your time.

NOT a Lanthorn Writer : 4/21/2009
idiot.

To the comment below this. Learn the difference between "write" and "right." Everything you just said has now deemed itself as useless due to poor word usage. I certainly hope that you don't work at the Lanthorn, but chances are you do. The quality of the articles written matches your inability to distinguish the difference between simple English words. Tootles.

: 4/17/2009
TakingThings to Seriously

If the readers would be so kind to remember that on the Editorial by the opinion columns it clearly states that the views of the columnist are by no means the views of the paper. Freedom of Speech my friends. Whether wrong or write Greg has the write to discuss whatever he likes, and you also under that same freedom can throw stones at him because you think you're so perfect. My point is, if you hate the opinion column section of the paper than rip it up and couple it with windex to wash your windows with but do not bash or condemn the paper as a whole. A lot of work goes into this paper and honestly if you think you are so much better of a writer than the people getting paid to write by all means go to the lanthorn and apply.

Alumni : 4/17/2009
Some things never change!

I graduated from GVSU a few years ago and still catch up with the Lanthorn about once a week. You'd think after 8 years of reading the Lanthorn I'd get used to Jesus being the most discussed topic in the Opinion section, but I simply don't. That said, I thought Greg's column was a good read. Further, I agree with the poster below, not that the Lanthorn is a joke, but in regards tot he general state of the campus population. The fact that so much of the student body could be apathetic to Derrick Copp's shooting but completely freak out about an atheist perspective is just beyond me. I loved my time at Grand Valley, and Allendale holds a special place in my heart - but it has to be the most bizarre college town in the United States.

Fed Up : 4/16/2009

I'm sorry but the Lanthorn is a joke. This opinion article is the closest thing we will get to a real student newspaper. I know most of you come from West Michigan and have some insane desire to stay here for the rest of your life, but expand you're world view. Suprise! People have opinions that my differ from yours! And yes the belief in the divinity of Jesus may be an infallible truth to you, but not to everyone. Stop getting all upset when people say things that you don't agree with. I thought that when i began a college career i would be exposed to a wide array of culture and opinons. I was wrong; this campus is one of the most close minded places I've ever been to. This is a place were we could benefit from some abrasive forward thinking, and our newspaper, our voice, is complete trash. There are plenty of issues that need to be discussed and are just dropped in favor of some crap full front page article about a spiderman comic 2 months after it released or a story that "recyclemania" went well. Who's talking about the abuse of police power here? The insane judge that presides over our county? The absolute lack of any kind of campus culture/life? Who's encouraging businesses to make use of the 18-22 demographic that concentrates itself here? ANYTHING! use it as a platform to express your opinions, facilitate INTELLIGENT debate and inspire change. When someone puts out something that actually contains an opinion that may not fit pretty with yours, get over it.. The word is not black and white. It is not "I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG" Our student paper should be a voice, not a student generated regurgitation of a GVSU newsletter Only on Grand Valley's campus could we have a student shot by the police, and have a large amount of students not only apathetic to the situation, but blindly expressing support for the man who shot him. Only here would we be called "the single most inconsiderate school and student body in the country?" (a quote from a comment below) for putting out a couple WORDS (they're just words and thoughts people) that dare to deviate from the ultra christian West Michigan mindset that saturates our campus culture. We are young, we are students and we are learning. Stop being ignorant. Its wonderful to have beliefs like you do as long as you remain open to others, facilitate learning through discussion and be open to learning more about the world beyond the borders of West Michigan . I'll apologize to the people that put the Lanthorn together, but only to an extent. You work hard and you put out a well put together newspaper. I realize that it is bigger than just typing an article every couple days, and getting the news and everything printed is a daunting task in itself. but put some soul into it. put some life into your work. Don't be afraid of saying something negative or controversial about the university; it will make it a better place. Use your power as a publication that reaches a lot of people to change things, monitor the pulse of our community and work for change. positive change. thanks for doing your part Greg.

A student : 4/15/2009
I'm amazed by the comments

The only person who made a worthwhile post on this page was Luke, you should all take notes. IT IS AN OPINION ARTICLE, NOT NEWS. To slander the Lanthorn based on an opinion article is ignorance in an extreme form. To all those who posted the religious comments, show me where he ever insulted the religion.

: 4/14/2009

Heaven forbid someone write on an OPINION page about his views on religion. If you don't want to read people's opinions and thoughts, I suggest you stay away from the opinion and editorial sections.

: 4/14/2009

Greg, Jesus still loves you and always will.

Luke : 4/14/2009
Poor form, Jack

I absolutely agree with the poster two posts below me when he comments on your writing ability. After reading and re-reading your opinion, I still do not understand the point of your article. Are you saying that today’s Christians are not following the supposed advice of Christ? If so, your opening argument does not address this issue, nor does your closing argument. Also, you never address the quotes. What does Belinda Carlisle have to do with anything? Are you adding extra paragraphs as well as qualifiers such has “too”, “all”, and “much” to reach a certain amount of words? But then you leave out nouns? Never again will I call myself a writer at GVSU thanks to this article. I earnestly hope you keep your writing to places like Facebook and Twitter, where spelling and logic are unnecessary, until you improve. Try taking a few writing courses- they may help. And remember- If you want to be inflammatory and make people uncomfortable, you have to make your arguments logical and proper, otherwise people will dismiss you for uneducated.

: 4/14/2009

Love IS what kept Jesus on the cross. He loved the world so much that He hung there, paying for your sins and mine. It was His love for us that kept Him there. Because of His love, He chose to stay there, suffering and dying for you and me. And through His love, we can accept Him as our Savior and LORD and be rescued from the fate that we deserve.

: 4/13/2009

Seriously, Greg? All year long, you've bashed everyone under the sun who isn't a gay male atheist genius. Meanwhile, you flaunt your own sexuality throughout your columns just to try and "prove a point" which you swing and miss at every single week. Concerning this column, I myself am an atheist, and even I find this absolutely ridiculous. It's an insult to every single person who is considered to have any logical thought processes and actual writing ability. The pure ignorance that this article is written with boggles the mind. Even as an atheist, I understand religion and understand why people believe the things they do. They you write this, not only taking every quotation out of context, but then making absolutely no sense of them and adding your own smart-aleck comments after each one? Without understanding what you're talking about? Are you going to go write about rocket science now and how you're the best at it? Get a grip on reality, and I can't believe the Lanthorn has allowed someone of such insufficient mental capabilities to continue writing garbage like this the entire year. Not only was the Lanthorn suffering to begin with in terms of wrong facts inside their sports stories and misquoted people in general articles, but then to allow you, an arrogant know-it-all holier-than-thou basher of everything that isn't atheist or gay, to write columns in OUR newspaper and make Grand Valley State University look the single most inconsiderate school and student body in the country? That's just embarrassing, and you and the Lanthorn should be ashamed of yourselves.

Jodi Hovey : 4/13/2009

I'm not really sure you read the whole article or understood the intent of the article. Mr. Schumaker isn't slamming Jesus, and I don't really believe he is misinterpretting him either (after all, with all the interpretations out there, who is wrong?). He isn't "portraying Jesus negatively", not even by a small stretch of the imagination. He is, in fact, extolling many of his quotations. He is pulling out many of Jesus' messages and simply stating that Jesus' followers are, in fact, not following or understanding a word of what he said. Considering that Jesus was all about peace and love and his followers more often than not pracitce violence and hatred, I'm inclined to agree with him. Remember how Jesus hung out with prostitutes? I think he tended to think those people had their heads on straight more often than the "righteous". Not that all of Jesus' followers do this, of course, just as all those who follow Islam are not extremists. But it does seem as if more and more Christians are taking the path of hatred rather than acceptance and love, particularly in issues that concern gay marriage and rights. Somehow, considering his track record, I think Jesus would probably be rubbing elbows with these great people in our nation rather than anyone who attends most churches around here. Jesus regularly reprimanded the rabbis who were teaching in the synagogs for some of the very same things that Mr. Schumaker reprimands Christian for, and went and hung out with the prostitutes. Considering that gay and lesbian couples are being treated just about as well prostitutes were back then, I think Jesus probably would seek their company if he were alive today. Besides, I think they tend to be a lot more fun...

anonymous : 4/13/2009

I have sat by silently all semester as your inflammatory editorials were printed in the Lanthorn. I decided that I would rather take the high road and not respond, since I know that the editor allows you to write whatever you want for dramatic effect. But this column goes too far. Do you honestly know anything about the Bible? Have you ever read enough of it to understand the quotations that you so recklessly pulled out of context? If you desire to portray Jesus negatively, then your efforts have fallen short. You have only proven the fallibility and weak nature of humanity. Jesus loved the whole world without reserve or prejudice. He did not love anyone less for his appearance, race, intelligence level, sexual orientation, what have you. He just loved. When that church wrote on their sign that love held Jesus to the cross, it was not a “twisting of the truth.” Of course the author of that quotation did not mean that love literally bound Jesus to the wood of the cross. If you want to know what those words meant, I invite you to speak with me at your earliest convenience. You can get my contact information from the receptionist at the Lanthorn.

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