Chocolate milk: official drink of freedom

By Andrew Justus | 4/1/12 10:19pm


Some health advocates say that chocolate milk is bad for us.

They say the brown dairy beverage has too much sugar and fat to be as healthy as regular milk or other tasty drinks. These so-called experts forget that chocolate milk is the drink of choice for freedom-loving people everywhere. Anyone who comes down against chocolate milk is therefore directly aligning themselves against freedom, liberty and indeed basic human rights.

Invented by George Washington to give his troops the energy and strong bones needed to fight the Brits, chocolate milk has, throughout history, always come down on the side of freedom and liberty. The drink consists of varying blends and quantities of chocolate mixed with standard two percent milk. Scholars have debated the optimal proportion of chocolate to milk, but no consensus has been has been reached within the academic community since debate on the topic began in 1906. According to the U.S. Navy, chocolate milk would be ideal for cooling nuclear reactors on aircraft carriers if the sailors could simply resist drinking it.

A little history on chocolate milk: 50 years ago, President John F. Kennedy was known to enjoy a weekly glass of chocolate milk, among other activities, with Hollywood star Marilyn Monroe and in 1987, First Lady Nancy Reagan saved president Ronald Reagan from telling Mr. Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall with a chocolate milk mustache under his nose. It’s also been said the Dalai Llama brings his own stash of chocolate milk on foreign visits to offer his hosts.

Not all beverages, though, are so representative of goodness in the world.

Apple juice, for one, was a favorite of Kim Jung-Il and other communist leaders in North Korea, who used to sip the drink through bendy straws while sentencing political prisoners to hard labor while watching Tom Cruise movies. The late terrorist Osama Bin Laden enjoyed the occasional glass of soy milk, on account of what he saw as the pro-American attitudes of all dairy cows.

Moral of the story, in addition to physically becoming what we eat, our beliefs are shaped by what we drink. A diet containing liberal portions of chocolate milk is sure to make you a responsible world citizen and champion of the everyman.

aprilfools@lanthorn.com

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