A mostly satirical look at taking elections seriously

By Kevin VanAntwerpen | 9/26/12 6:37pm


Are you sick of all those pesky political Facebook updates? Me too.
Let’s face it. Only people who wear wire-rim glasses and suffer from severe acne think about something as boring as politics. It’s not like our lives will ever change because of an election. Real

people have better things to do with our time. Among them are:
• Not thinking about politics
• Reading books with pictures
• Counting numbers on fingers
• Ordering off Taco Bell’s new Fresco menu, because man, that stuff is gourmet cuisine.

So for all of you like-minded individuals out there, I’ve created a helpful how-to-vote guide. You see, we’re a different breed. We’re not concerned with things like mathematics, social issues, or ethical boundaries. Here are the important issues:

Independence is Sweet, Bro:

Look, having a government that’s accountable to the people is a sweet idea and all, but it’s also a total bummer. We’re busy enough with our schedules. Barrack Obama is always trying to convince me he’s got the right ideas by making me do math to check his work. I’m not voting for a dude just so I can do his math problems for him. I don’t even want to think about it. Do the thinking for me, bro. Mitt Romney doesn’t bore me with all of the details – he just says things like “We won’t back down” and “We will make the right decisions.” That’s all the complexity I want in a voter. He totally wins this one too.

The Hottest Candidate:

If you’re a chick, you’re gonna choose the hottest dude … because obviously, a chick isn’t gonna be president. You’re lucky you can vote at this point. If you’re a dude, you’re gonna vote for the hottest dude. The President of the United States represents American guys to foreign chicks all over the world. You’ll have an easier time with them if they have a thing for your dear leader.
Mitt Romney looks like a rectangular Count Chocula, so I have to go with Barack Obama on this one.

kvanantwerpem@lanthorn.com

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