A mostly satirical look at taking elections seriously
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Are you sick of all those pesky political Facebook updates? Me too.
Let’s face it. Only people who wear wire-rim glasses and suffer from severe acne think about something as boring as politics. It’s not like our lives will ever change because of an election. Real
people have better things to do with our time. Among them are:
• Not thinking about politics
• Reading books with pictures
• Counting numbers on fingers
• Ordering off Taco Bell’s new Fresco menu, because man, that stuff is gourmet cuisine.
So for all of you like-minded individuals out there, I’ve created a helpful how-to-vote guide. You see, we’re a different breed. We’re not concerned with things like mathematics, social issues, or ethical boundaries. Here are the important issues:
Independence is Sweet, Bro:
Look, having a government that’s accountable to the people is a sweet idea and all, but it’s also a total bummer. We’re busy enough with our schedules. Barrack Obama is always trying to convince me he’s got the right ideas by making me do math to check his work. I’m not voting for a dude just so I can do his math problems for him. I don’t even want to think about it. Do the thinking for me, bro. Mitt Romney doesn’t bore me with all of the details – he just says things like “We won’t back down” and “We will make the right decisions.” That’s all the complexity I want in a voter. He totally wins this one too.
The Hottest Candidate:
If you’re a chick, you’re gonna choose the hottest dude … because obviously, a chick isn’t gonna be president. You’re lucky you can vote at this point. If you’re a dude, you’re gonna vote for the hottest dude. The President of the United States represents American guys to foreign chicks all over the world. You’ll have an easier time with them if they have a thing for your dear leader.
Mitt Romney looks like a rectangular Count Chocula, so I have to go with Barack Obama on this one.
kvanantwerpem@lanthorn.com
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Pictures of the Year 2012-2013
Courtesy Photo/Joe Kargula and Erik Peterson run the Marathon leg of the Ironman Triathlon
GVL / Robert Mathews Quarterback Heath Parling (12) leading the offense past Notre Dame College.
GVL / Eric Coulter Senior Jake Isaacson placed eigth in the Spartan Invitational. Isaacson's time of 25:04 was the highest among Division II athletes.
GVL/Jessica Hollenbeck Student Senate President Jack Iott speaks to the assembly during Thursday's meeting.
Courtesy / gvsu.edu President Haas and Montcalm Community College President Robert C. Ferrentino sign the transfer agreement
Courtesy Photo/ GVSU Athletic Department Sophomore Chris Cunningham lines up a putt at a past match.
Courtesy Photo / GVSULakers.com Andrew Darrell prepares to return the serve earlier this season.
GVL / Jessica Hollenbeck President Haas cooks pancakes during Family Weekend's "Pancakes with Presidents".
GVL / Jessica Hollenbeck President Haas cooks pancakes during Family Weekend's "Pancakes with Presidents".
GVL / Archive Forward Briauna Taylor (31) chases down a lose ball in a game last season
Courtesy Photo / Dean Breest Sophomore Allyson Winchester was named the GLIAC Women's Cross Country Athlete of the Year after finishing first with a time of 20:48.8.
GVL / Archive GVSU's Breland Hogan rises and fires over three defenders last season.
GVL/Bo Anderson Briauna Taylor leads the fast break during a game earlier this season.
GVL / Robert Mathews Associate Vice President for Facilities Planning, James Moyer, leading a walk through of the Mary Ideam Pew Library
Courtesy Photo / GVSU DII Men's Hockey Jeremy Christopher chases down a puck during a matchup last season.
GVL / Bo Anderson Students and faculty danced under the spectacular light show in the Devos Place Ballroom
GVL / Robert Mathews Martin L�wenberg, holocaust survivor, speaking at the Genocide Awareness Night presentation in the Grand River Room.
Courtesy / Dean Breest Senior Sam Lockhart finishes her indoor career with two individual national championships in weight throw and shot put at the 2013 National Championships.
Archive / Robert Mathews Giancarlo Brugnoni (40) rounding the bases during a previous game.
GVL/Bo Anderson Seniors Christ Koppenaal, Bill Madsen, and Mitch Weber measure the exterior of the Wesley House as part of an energy audit.
GVL / Robert Mathews Senior Anthony Campanella pitching against Tiffin University during the Lakers double header.
GVL / Eric Coulter Brother Jed Smock, a member of Campus Ministry USA, speaks with fervor to a student. Many students, all with differing views, came to watch the Campus Ministry members speak.
GVL / Sean Mouton A passing walker stops to admire some recently constructed pieces of Art Prize 2012.
GVL Archive Senior Nick Gunthorpe follows through and watches his shot at the Ardenson last year. This weekend the team will be playing in South Haven.
GVL / Bo Anderson GVSU's Katie Martin points to her teammate after safely reaching second base.
GVL / Robert Mathews Mary Idema Pew Library Learning and Information Commons under construction.
GVL / Archive The Grand Valley Rowing Team during Spring Training in Florida last spring.
GVL / Robert Mathews Judge Glenda Hatchett, keynote guest for Monday's King celebration, speaks in the Grand River Room in Kirkhof.
GVL / Robert Mathews Judge Glenda Hatchett, keynote guest for Monday's King celebration, speaks in the Grand River Room in Kirkhof.
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