There’s just something wrong with a little bump and grind
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Rhythm, or anything that closely resembles it, has eluded me my entire life. I can’t clap on beat or shake my butt, and even a non-committal head bob to the music leaves people wondering whether I am seizing or just experiencing a twitch. While I may be exaggerating about my lack of ability (barely), I simply can’t dance.
Yet out of all the polkas, tangos, and twists (I do have a place in my heart for the sprinkler) there is no dance that irks me more than the bump and grind. Grinding (freaking? whatever you call the infamous butt-to-crotch club dance) blows my mind. I can’t do it and I can’t decide if it grosses me out or not. Seeing as it’s the beginning of the year, and subsequently a heavy bar/club time I turned to the Internet for much needed answers.
It was as if girls all over the world felt my pain, within seconds I was connected to a wikiHow article- How to grind (for girls). Here we go.
Step 1, you ask? Move towards a big group of people. Thank god for this step- because I was definitely going to try grinding by myself first.
Step 2- Find your girlfriends. According to wiki, I don’t have to dance sexually (yet) because a guy will notice how much fun I am having with my friends and will approach accordingly (apparently wikiHow has never seen the seizure dance). The guy who wishes to grind with me won’t say anything- but will give me subtle signals. (A subtle male…oh, there goes a flying pig.)
Step 3- Act normally. Welp, that ship has sailed. Moving on.
Step 4- Grind dance like you mean it.
Here things get tricky, they give me a few random tips like: put my hands in his pocket, move my hips in sync with his, move my butt from side to side, up and down, bend my knees, put my arms over his head- this is exhausting. I am starting to think I will need extra appendages to get this grinding thing accomplished.
Step 5- Be ready for the song to end. Wiki tells me the guy will probably just walk away when this happens (now that sounds familiar). I should pretend like I don’t care and find my big group again- with any luck he will come back and grind harder with me than he did before (PLEASE, NO).
Despite my best efforts, I don’t think I am cut out for the bump and grind. Maybe these steps have enlightened you to a new way of dancing; and maybe, like me, you just don’t get why two people feel the need to do a vertical version of the horizontal tango in public.
But I am not ready to give up on grooving all together. If you see me at the bar this weekend, I may be in the corner doing my own thing. Don’t call the paramedics- I’m just dancing.
ccolleran@lanthorn.com
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Pictures of the Year 2012-2013
Courtesy Photo/Joe Kargula and Erik Peterson run the Marathon leg of the Ironman Triathlon
GVL / Robert Mathews Quarterback Heath Parling (12) leading the offense past Notre Dame College.
GVL / Eric Coulter Senior Jake Isaacson placed eigth in the Spartan Invitational. Isaacson's time of 25:04 was the highest among Division II athletes.
GVL/Jessica Hollenbeck Student Senate President Jack Iott speaks to the assembly during Thursday's meeting.
Courtesy / gvsu.edu President Haas and Montcalm Community College President Robert C. Ferrentino sign the transfer agreement
Courtesy Photo/ GVSU Athletic Department Sophomore Chris Cunningham lines up a putt at a past match.
Courtesy Photo / GVSULakers.com Andrew Darrell prepares to return the serve earlier this season.
GVL / Jessica Hollenbeck President Haas cooks pancakes during Family Weekend's "Pancakes with Presidents".
GVL / Jessica Hollenbeck President Haas cooks pancakes during Family Weekend's "Pancakes with Presidents".
GVL / Archive Forward Briauna Taylor (31) chases down a lose ball in a game last season
Courtesy Photo / Dean Breest Sophomore Allyson Winchester was named the GLIAC Women's Cross Country Athlete of the Year after finishing first with a time of 20:48.8.
GVL / Archive GVSU's Breland Hogan rises and fires over three defenders last season.
GVL/Bo Anderson Briauna Taylor leads the fast break during a game earlier this season.
GVL / Robert Mathews Associate Vice President for Facilities Planning, James Moyer, leading a walk through of the Mary Ideam Pew Library
Courtesy Photo / GVSU DII Men's Hockey Jeremy Christopher chases down a puck during a matchup last season.
GVL / Bo Anderson Students and faculty danced under the spectacular light show in the Devos Place Ballroom
GVL / Robert Mathews Martin L�wenberg, holocaust survivor, speaking at the Genocide Awareness Night presentation in the Grand River Room.
Courtesy / Dean Breest Senior Sam Lockhart finishes her indoor career with two individual national championships in weight throw and shot put at the 2013 National Championships.
Archive / Robert Mathews Giancarlo Brugnoni (40) rounding the bases during a previous game.
GVL/Bo Anderson Seniors Christ Koppenaal, Bill Madsen, and Mitch Weber measure the exterior of the Wesley House as part of an energy audit.
GVL / Robert Mathews Senior Anthony Campanella pitching against Tiffin University during the Lakers double header.
GVL / Eric Coulter Brother Jed Smock, a member of Campus Ministry USA, speaks with fervor to a student. Many students, all with differing views, came to watch the Campus Ministry members speak.
GVL / Sean Mouton A passing walker stops to admire some recently constructed pieces of Art Prize 2012.
GVL Archive Senior Nick Gunthorpe follows through and watches his shot at the Ardenson last year. This weekend the team will be playing in South Haven.
GVL / Bo Anderson GVSU's Katie Martin points to her teammate after safely reaching second base.
GVL / Robert Mathews Mary Idema Pew Library Learning and Information Commons under construction.
GVL / Archive The Grand Valley Rowing Team during Spring Training in Florida last spring.
GVL / Robert Mathews Judge Glenda Hatchett, keynote guest for Monday's King celebration, speaks in the Grand River Room in Kirkhof.
GVL / Robert Mathews Judge Glenda Hatchett, keynote guest for Monday's King celebration, speaks in the Grand River Room in Kirkhof.
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