Eating and napping: a way of life

By Stephanie Schoch | 2/10/13 5:42pm

Avoiding the deprivations of winter much like most of us avoid eye-contact with anyone speaking at people while holding a bible, bears must have known exactly what they were doing when they first decided to peace out for a good, long six months. Because who wouldn’t want the excuse “I’m sorry, I can’t, I need to eat all of the food in my fridge and then take a series of really long naps.” Along with the cold, traditional food sources dry up and much-needed shelter can be hard to find. These statements often hold true for the species collegeous studentius otherwise known as college students: after all, the walk to the Connection can be treacherous and your roommate’s boyfriend is over for the weekend.

Around this time of year, I am reminded of my belief that some people were simply meant to hibernate. They walk around like a new species of sloths, minus the cuteness, their eyes barely opened and their mouths agape and twisted as if they were a mother walking into Spencer’s for the first time. These people were not meant to be seen in such a snowy environment.

Unnatural to them, they yearn for long days filled with sunlight and beaches.

These creatures that I speak of can be observed in their natural habitats during the summer, but to fully understand their biannual metamorphosis, they must be followed into the depths of the dreaded winter months. Currently I am following and documenting the patterns of what looks to be an upper-classman (indicators include glazed-over eyes, sloppy appearance, shivering with coffee mug in hand, and a look saying “I’ve been here for far too long”), and although I did not start by observing him in the summer (can you say restraining order?) the signs are obvious that he is one of the new, emerging species.

But who’s to say that we were the first to declare our hate for winter? Cavemen most likely grunted and groaned when snowflakes started to appear, knowing full well that their loan cloths would be as useful as a chocolate teapot. How is it we have decided that, as humans, we can survive the cold winter months. Because of the resources that we possess? Not everyone has a warm home to help brave the cold. Let’s face it, winter is practically a means for natural selection. It was meant to kill us. Side note: if you can’t tell which species I identify with (whether that should be the sloth-like type or not), stop reading this and enroll in a class focused on common sense.

Skiing, snowboarding and skating – maybe they were designed to get from point A to point B faster, so as not to freeze? Or there is always the possibility that our ancestors recognized their frostbitten fate, and tried to invent things to make it fun. That’s what we need to do, make winter fun! Tell that to the sloths: trust me, we don’t care what you have to say unless it includes the words sun, soon, summer, or Ray-Bans.

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