Missing Home By Not Missing It
It’s been exactly 23 days since I was back home in Malaysia and I can honestly say that I’m not missing it, and yet I do. Days that are occupied with either classes, running or friends, I often find my family in the little things around me. It’s the easiest for my little brother when I see a young child of any kind around. The thought of being with him and playing with him or just as simple as seeing him lying down on the couch brings a sense of bittersweet feeling in me.
They never tell you how hard it’ll be when you’re halfway around the world trying to make something of yourself. And the truth of the matter is, I thrive on being independent and counting on myself because I believe that putting my trust in people is a dead cause, no matter how nice or sincere they are. But then the big days of the year come around and I find myself in a melancholic stage thinking about my family.
It’s those kind of days that make you appreciate the “real” people in your life. I am the kind of person who wants nothing more than to find the love of my life as soon as possible but nothing has worked out yet, so my void has to be filled with someone or something else. Occasionally, I would online shop the hell out of my wallet and at times I would find solace in the morning runs that I take either when it’s scorching hot or icy cold out.
I keep telling myself that I don’t need people in my life, but I know that’s a lie. I drown myself in love songs and romantic movies just to have a slight glimpse of hope in my life and I know it sounds sad and generic but that’s what life does to you, at this moment for me.
And the fact is, I don’t miss home and I don’t need someone special in my life. I just need to find me again in this big, crazy world. We hear stories of loneliness and dreaded solitude but we can never truly understand it with everything and everyone unnecessary in our lives. Just take some time for yourself, be alone in a room for a while and realize what you really want in life. Do you want money? A companion? Something exciting and new every day?
Stop trying to make everyone happy and just be selfish for a change. It’s your life, not theirs. At times I try not to care about people even though I really want to, but I think it’s time for me to be happy this time. Then, maybe after that we can start talking about you.