Dear Class of 2010,

First off, no one cares that you are the class of 2010. You are now the tentative Class of 2015.

The first week of college can be an overwhelming and humbling experience. Your parents drop you off with all your stuff and, with a kiss goodbye, they exit your lives with, “Go exist. We’re turning your bedroom into a shoe closet.”

Fear no more, young’uns. I am here to ease your load with some sage advice to survive.

1. Waste time. If 2015 seems like a long time from now, it really is. Months will not seem to disappear, and you will not be standing around your dorm upon move-out time, questioning, “Was that really two whole semesters?”

2. Bring your cell phones to class, and leave them on. When a professor says he or she doesn’t allow cell phones in class, it is really a faculty-wide inside joke that I am making you privy to.

3. Get a PC. There ain’t nuthin’ Macs kan doo bettr.

4. Don’t attend campus events or join campus groups. In fact, don’t ever go on the GVSU Web site (gvsu.edu) or read The Lanthorn (in your hands). This will prevent any accidental ideas you may get, because both are usually full of information on unique and exciting activities that are sometimes free.

5. Never plan ahead. Do you remember in high school (three months ago) when all of your teachers just assumed that they were the only ones that assigned homework? Well, here professors (especially the ones from entirely different academic departments) have meetings every week to decide which classes will get the majority of work for any given day. They then have a quick chuckle about students abiding by the no-cell phone gag policy.

6. Get hit by a campus bus. Seriously, you get free tuition that way, despite what the administration says.

7. Complain about how you should have gone to another school. It’s not as if most other schools charge their students admission to football games or require a costly pass to ride the bus. GVSU may provide more exercise facilities than Canada provides health care, but there are so many reasons why MSU is clearly superior.

For one, they don’t have any campus activities.

If you can abide by these seven simple rules, you can graduate with honors … and return home to your shoe closet.

cslattery@lanthorn.com