I’ve noticed a startling increase in vandalism recently. And when I say “vandalism,” I mean “defacing campus property.” And when I say “defacing campus property,” I mean “defacing campus property in the lamest way possible.”

Now, I enjoy my fair share of vandalism. I find graffiti to be one of the most passionate forms of art today, along with framed transcripts of sexting conversations. In fact, the only reason this column is being published on paper and online is because The Grand Valley Lanthorn refuses to pay me for anything I spray-paint on an overpass. Not to mention, 500 words is difficult to read doing 75 down I-69.

The most recent and newsworthy act of vandalism was the campus-wide tagging of the word “GAME.” While the act was ambitious in concept, it proved unremarkable in practice. Where was the “GAME” across Zumberge? Why wasn’t the roof of Kirkhof used to display the massive word to passing airplanes? Someone couldn’t deface each side of the clock tower with a different giant letter?

Okay, I guess that last one would just end up being too confusing, especially for people coming from the opposite side of the “G” face. Not to mention, the Michigan Eradication of Goldfish Association has a history of suing anyone who uses their acronym without consent.

The vandalism cycle began last month at GVSU (who is hopefully more lenient with their acronym copyrights) when a student who lacked motivation, ambition and common sense taped a piece of paper to a door and set it on fire. It was very Martin Luther-esque.

Except, Martin Luther started the Reformation, not a fire.

Also, Luther had a very anti-Semitic agenda, and I doubt that the anonymous student had anything on his mind further than “I wonder if doors are flammable.”

Both of these instances pale in comparison to vandalism by, say, British graffiti artist Banksy, who simply walked into the Louvre in Paris and hung up a painting of the Mona Lisa with a yellow smiley face in 2004. I’m not saying that someone needs to do anything crazy, such as replace the Transformation Link with a massive statue of Iron Man. What I am saying is that it would be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

Of course, I would never condone or promote any action that would cause actual property damage or jeopardize the integrity of GVSU (which is where the sidewalk chalk “GAME” succeeded and Zippy McFirestarter failed). It just seems to me that no one can see the intense scope of which this artistic expression is capable.

I’m a senior and, before I bust this joint for good, I want to see something epic. And when I say “epic,” I don’t mean “hipster-ironic, quasi-sarcastic epic.” And when I don’t mean “hipster-ironic, quasi-sarcastic epic,” I actually mean “grand-scale, thought-provoking and timeless-quality epic.”

I don’t think that’s too much to ask from Randall the Vandal.

Oh, and if you happen to be reading this on an overpass, you just missed your exit.

cslattery@lanthorn.com