As I walk to the living room on the last Sunday evening before school starts, I notice there’s a crowd of roommates and friends blinking absently at our tiny television. Immediately I know something is up, I know something great is flickering across their faces in that washed out shade of blue, and I can’t wait to find out.

But it’s not something great. It’s not J-Wow or Snookie or any of the usual suspects on the screen. No, it’s January Jones, and she’s on the red-carpet in her Versace gown, blue and ruffled, and the commentators are ripping the girl to shreds. I don’t know who January Jones is, but she has a lovely name, and instantly I know this is a huge problem.

Reason No. 1 why I hate the Emmy’s:

The commentators are so mean. They gut January for all she’s worth. Nobody even likes these “newscasters” and yet somehow they are still on all of these shows and somehow people still rally around them as if they are preaching the good word. For the next four days I will have to listen to these newscasters say all of these mean things over and over again. I know that Hollywood is about objectifying people and stripping their worth down to something as simple as outword appearance but – c’mon, man. You are bumming me out.

Reason No. 2 why I hate the Emmy’s:

Awkward banter is not okay. It’s not okay on Tosh.0, it’s not okay on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and more than ever it is not okay at the Emmy’s (although one could argue that nothing is really OKAY at the Emmy’s). I don’t like digital shorts with Glee cast members and I don’t like it when Jimmy Fallon lets Kim Kardashian sing, even if it was only for a second.

Reason No. 3 why I hate the Emmy’s:

Despite the award-giving nature of the show, the entire premise of award shows seems very vain to me. Famous people dress up in clothes that other famous people made while even more famous people talk about them as if they aren’t going to watch it later. Nobody cares about anything but looking good and winning – pop culture tends to harvest those kinds of ideas.

In the end it comes down to how you view the Emmy’s. They are mostly harmless, if not completely and totally irrelevant. Then again, Americans are notorious for letting irrelevant things rule our lives.

So here’s to you Emmy’s – for helping America along in its quest to further value all of the things I hate.

assistantnews@lanthorn.com