Humor: How to snag 'the one'

By Parker Murray | 4/10/16 9:53pm

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by Sara Carte / Grand Valley Lanthorn

Yo bros, there’s nothin’ less trill than havin’ that honey that you dig not dig you back, ya know what I mean? Good, because for you, pledge, I have some tips that are pretty dope to help you bag that babe.

The first that you have to do is to, like, throw on your sickest threads. Like, put on your best frat shirt, and like, put on your boat shoes, and your best pair of shorts and all of these kitty cats are gonna be lining up at your house, bro. You’re gonna have more bloomers than you know what to do with after you throw on your sickest kicks, bro.

Now, tip No. 1 is pretty simple. It’s to do the one thing that all these ladies love—it’s when you’re at a party, slammin brews with the bros, and you see that babe from your women's studies class, you do this trick that can only be described as lit.

You go up to up to her, bruh, and you introduce yourself. Ask her about her interests and what she likes, look that honey dead in her eyes, show an interest in her world and her being as, like, a human, you know? Then beer bong a brewski after to show her that you mean business.

Before you know it, that hot babe is gonna be yours.

Tip No. 2is pretty trill, bruh, it’s a real dope tip that will help you get any girl you want, you’ll be drowning in that estrogen, if you know I mean. What you do is you ask that girl on a hot date, if you know I mean.

Like, Netflix and chill is a great way to let your girl know that you’re a fan of some outdated internet jokes. What you do is you listen, bro. You listen when that babe talks and then you do something related to her interests or whatever.

So maybe you don’t have the balls to take this honey out on a date, man. So, what you do is you get the squad together, you get Crazy Dave, you get Fat Brad, you get Buzzo, you get the entire gang together and you go to a group dinner and include her in all of your conversations. Bro, I promise you that these girls, these girls love being treated like people.

Bruh, tip No. 3 is pretty simple too. What you do is that you go to a party. You and all the bros at the house, you’re getting pretty turnt. You’ve already slammed like, 30 beers, the entire house is getting pretty lit.

So then you invite your girl over, you know, throw your arm around her, crack open a can of her favorite beer, Bud Lite, show her that you know and respect her preferences, bruh. When the party dies down and she’s got those eyes, you like, take her back to her house and you put her to bed.

Then you go home. I promise you bro, nothing turns these girls on more than some consent. These girls, they’ll talk to all their homies and say things like “Yo, dude, Tommy like… respects me. Yo, that’s like, so freakin' hot.”

And I promise you bro, these females are going to be swarming you dude, like, you have no clue. I promise you dude, like, consent is the best way to get into a girl’s pants when she’s ready for it.

Good talk, pledge, now go grab me a brewski. I’m gettin’ pretty thirsty, if you know what I mean. 

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