Humor: The truth about summer

By Parker Murray | 4/18/16 12:30am

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by Sara Carte / Grand Valley Lanthorn

Summer. It’s on the way, it’s beckoning us, welcoming us. Warm weather, beaches, pool parties, barbecues, time with family, time outside, being able to go outside—summer is inarguably the best time of the year. What a great time to never leave your house.

We should all be honest with ourselves for a minute. Sure, we’ll tweet about summer after our last exams, sure we’ll throw a sun emoji on the end of it, sure we’ll Instagram a picture of the squad on the beach from three years ago with the caption “#tbt can’t wait to soak up the sun.”

But let’s stay in the real world for a second. The first few weeks after summer starts, we won’t leave our houses. We’re going to binge-watch a season or two on Netflix, we’re going to endlessly consume media on the couch we’ve been sitting on all semester. Canceled plans and Cheeto dust will characterize the first few weeks of the semester.

Then you get a call from your dad telling you “to go get a job” or “I can’t keep funding your reckless lifestyle” or even “You’re a huge disappointment, Parker, go do something with your life.” So, you go get a job at the local whatever only working 20 hours a week.

All of your friends went home for the summer, so even if you wanted to leave your home, which you don’t, you have no one to go home to see. You’ll go see your mom and lie about all of the fun you’re having, that the tan you have isn’t from a bottle, that you love everyone you work with even though you don’t know any of their last names.

July comes and you’ve made friends who share the same interests as you: an endless consumption of media and an endless consumption of alcohol. These are the glory days, the days spent watching Grey’s Anatomy with your new friends while splitting three bottles of wine. What fun you’re going to have.

August comes and you’ll tweet “Wish summer would stay,” with some sort of cryptic hashtag. Your old friends come back and you never see your summer friends again. The status quo is reinstated and school begins again.

Isn’t it better that way, though? I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but Michigan is humid. Going outside isn’t even a good time. Plus, you spent $100 on that new air conditioning unit and you’re going to get your money’s worth.

Outside is scary, new experiences suck. Anyone that says that doing anything out of the norm you’ve established is lying to your face. You don’t know what’s going to happen, so why bother doing it?

You talk about adventure, but so does everyone. Does anyone actually go on adventures? Sure, some people throw bonfires and have a good time, but is there anyone new ever there? No, there isn’t. Don’t feel bad about not doing anything new, no one does.

Sure, you wanted to find a summer romance, but it’s your time to be selfish, it’s your time to focus on you. A summer during the four years of the only time you really don’t have responsibilities is the perfect time to not meet new people. You need to focus on the friends you already have. After all, that group text isn’t going to respond to itself.

So go out and enjoy the summer, you deserve it after coasting through the semester while still complaining about how little sleep you get. Don’t go outside, don’t meet new people, don’t experience life. After all, you’re 22, you have plenty of time to experience things after you find a real job.

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